1 00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:09,090 Morning, Roy. 2 00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:12,160 (GREETING IN ITALIAN) 3 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,730 My, my, what's with the "buongiorno"? 4 00:00:14,730 --> 00:00:16,370 Well, I'm-- I'm studying Italian from a tape. 5 00:00:16,870 --> 00:00:18,430 I'm thinkin' of going to Venice this summer. 6 00:00:18,430 --> 00:00:20,440 Venice? You're going to Venice, Italy? 7 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,340 Yeah, why not? I hear it's a beautiful city. 8 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:23,940 Oh, it is. 9 00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:26,780 Except for what's happening to the turkeys. 10 00:00:28,110 --> 00:00:29,610 What're you talkin' about? 11 00:00:29,610 --> 00:00:31,710 What's happenin' to the turkeys? 12 00:00:31,710 --> 00:00:33,650 Turkey worm. 13 00:00:33,650 --> 00:00:35,950 Makes them, how you say, foam at the mouth. 14 00:00:35,950 --> 00:00:37,950 It's-- It's no big deal. 15 00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:40,420 When they attack, you just kick them into the canal. 16 00:00:42,190 --> 00:00:48,000 Some days, uh, you kick 30, 40 turkeys in before lunch. 17 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:53,000 It's quite a sight. Millions of turkeys floating under the Bridge of Sighs. 18 00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:58,510 Foaming and bloating and reeking. 19 00:01:00,510 --> 00:01:03,450 Well, maybe I'll just see America first. 20 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,180 I didn't know there were turkeys in Venice, Antonio. 21 00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:09,150 There aren't. 22 00:01:09,650 --> 00:01:11,390 And we want to keep it that way. 23 00:01:15,460 --> 00:01:16,960 ANNOUNCER: In tonight's top story, 24 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,300 storms continue to pummel the North Atlantic seaboard. 25 00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:21,160 On Nantucket, where the worst of the storm is over, 26 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,430 flooding, power blackouts, and near hurricane-force winds 27 00:01:23,430 --> 00:01:26,500 have turned this normally tranquil island into a disaster area. 28 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,100 Many boats have been beached. 29 00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:29,670 Several homes have been washed into the sea, 30 00:01:29,670 --> 00:01:32,740 and many of the local streets are under as much as a foot of water. 31 00:01:32,740 --> 00:01:35,250 People hoping to escape the destruction on the island 32 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:38,250 have had their plans complicated by the closing of the local airport. 33 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,250 (WIND HOWLING) 34 00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:43,250 The power still out, Roy? 35 00:01:43,250 --> 00:01:44,820 No, it's Thomas Edison's birthday 36 00:01:44,820 --> 00:01:47,320 so we gave all our light bulbs the day off. 37 00:01:49,130 --> 00:01:52,760 You know, Roy, sarcasm is the lowest form of humor. 38 00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:55,360 (CHUCKLES) That's a good one, though. 39 00:01:55,930 --> 00:01:56,930 What's the word from the tower, Fay? 40 00:01:56,930 --> 00:01:58,940 They're still not letting anyone fly. 41 00:01:58,940 --> 00:02:00,340 Yeah, well, I can't say I'm surprised. 42 00:02:00,670 --> 00:02:02,240 That was the roughest storm I can remember. 43 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:03,740 Winds up to 80 miles an hour. 44 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,440 Thank God, the worst of it's over. 45 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:07,010 Oh, I know to my dying day 46 00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:10,010 I'll regret choosing last night to give my parakeet his freedom. 47 00:02:10,980 --> 00:02:12,250 What happened to him? 48 00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:14,320 The last I saw he was headed for Canada. 49 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,850 Backwards. 50 00:02:16,850 --> 00:02:18,890 Well, at least we got our plane in the hangar on time. 51 00:02:19,420 --> 00:02:20,420 What about you, Roy? 52 00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:21,930 No, I lost one plane. 53 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:23,930 Oh, Roy, I'm sorry! That's terrible. 54 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:25,390 No, not really. 55 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,930 It was old, worn out, insured for twice its value. 56 00:02:28,930 --> 00:02:30,430 (LAUGHING) 57 00:02:30,430 --> 00:02:32,400 That reminds me, I have to call my mother. 58 00:02:37,070 --> 00:02:39,080 (EXCLAIMS) 59 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,580 Thanks to the power failure, practically everything in my fridge is spoiled. 60 00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:46,250 Are you sure? Let me, uh, taste that for you. 61 00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:47,620 Oh, that's pretty good. 62 00:02:47,620 --> 00:02:48,820 Clam chowder, right? 63 00:02:48,820 --> 00:02:50,390 No, whipped cream. 64 00:02:52,390 --> 00:02:54,260 Hey, listen, while you're at it, do you mind tasting that? 65 00:02:54,260 --> 00:02:55,630 Oh, not at all. 66 00:02:56,630 --> 00:02:59,060 Mmm, good tapioca. 67 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:00,600 No, bad mayo. 68 00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:05,800 So, uh, how'd your boat fare in the storm, Lowell? 69 00:03:06,170 --> 00:03:08,240 Storm washed it clean up on shore. 70 00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,940 Ended up in the middle of the high school parking lot. 71 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,010 I'm sorry, Lowell, I don't mean to take this lightly, 72 00:03:13,010 --> 00:03:15,480 but it's kind of a funny picture. A boat in a parking lot. 73 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:16,980 No, not to me. 74 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,850 After all, it's where I've eaten, slept, laughed, cried, made love. 75 00:03:21,850 --> 00:03:23,550 Can't they repair your boat? 76 00:03:23,550 --> 00:03:25,590 No, I was talking about the parking lot. 77 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:28,720 Hi, everybody. 78 00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:29,990 Oh, hi, Antonio. Hey. 79 00:03:29,990 --> 00:03:32,290 Hi. I've just been driving around the island. 80 00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:34,460 I've never seen anything like it. 81 00:03:34,460 --> 00:03:39,100 Trees uprooted, front lawns ripped up, fence posts snapped in two. 82 00:03:39,570 --> 00:03:41,470 Oh, it sounds terrible. 83 00:03:41,470 --> 00:03:44,040 Yeah, that's just the damage I did trying to stay on the road. 84 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,840 It's windy out there. 85 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,410 Hey, try this one. I'm almost sure it's rancid. 86 00:03:52,150 --> 00:03:53,750 Mmm. 87 00:03:53,750 --> 00:03:55,820 Antonio, did you notice any other property damage around the island? 88 00:03:56,190 --> 00:04:00,060 Oh, oh, yes, yes, uh, the roof blew off 42 Beach Road. 89 00:04:00,060 --> 00:04:03,060 Uh, 58 Oyster Pond lost their chimney. 90 00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:07,560 Uh, 427 Madaket Way has been condemned. Uh... 91 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:08,560 427 Madaket Way? 92 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,000 What happened to 427? 93 00:04:10,370 --> 00:04:12,440 The--The ocean has eroded all the land around it. 94 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,900 It's about to fall into the sea. 95 00:04:14,900 --> 00:04:16,970 That's the house that Brian and I grew up in. 96 00:04:16,970 --> 00:04:19,640 Well, kiss it goodbye, Hackett. The Town Council condemned it this morning. 97 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,140 It's no big deal. 98 00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:22,580 It's been vacant for a couple of years. 99 00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:23,510 No, it is a big deal. 100 00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:25,520 It's my old house. 101 00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:28,280 Well, you didn't see me cry when they tore down the house where I spent my childhood. 102 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,550 That's because it was a House of Pancakes, Roy. 103 00:04:30,550 --> 00:04:32,560 There's a chain of them. 104 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,560 Oh, of all the days to over-mousse. 105 00:04:48,870 --> 00:04:52,170 Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful. 106 00:04:52,180 --> 00:04:53,740 Listen, uh, I got some bad news. 107 00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:55,750 The old house over on Madaket has been condemned. 108 00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:58,410 It's falling into the sea. What're you talkin' about? 109 00:04:58,410 --> 00:04:59,920 The ocean's like a block away from that house. 110 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,480 Not after this storm. 111 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,050 God, I hate to see the place go. 112 00:05:03,050 --> 00:05:06,520 I mean, I practically spent more time at your house than I did my own. 113 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:07,990 Why don't we all go over and take a look at the place? 114 00:05:07,990 --> 00:05:10,390 I mean, we're not doin' anything around here anyway. 115 00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:11,830 I'm in. Yeah, let's do that. 116 00:05:11,830 --> 00:05:15,570 Helen, what is the special of the day? I'm starving. 117 00:05:15,570 --> 00:05:17,870 Clam chowder and tapioca. Here, have this. 118 00:05:32,050 --> 00:05:33,180 Wow! 119 00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:35,250 Wow, would you look at this place? 120 00:05:35,250 --> 00:05:36,750 What's it been, 15 years? 121 00:05:37,090 --> 00:05:40,190 Oh, at least. It's really strange being back here, boy. 122 00:05:40,390 --> 00:05:42,460 Yeah, that cliche is really true. 123 00:05:42,460 --> 00:05:44,430 Everything seems smaller when you go back. 124 00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:46,930 Yeah, even our bedroom. 125 00:05:49,130 --> 00:05:50,630 Oh, my God, would you look at this? 126 00:05:50,630 --> 00:05:52,070 No wonder they condemned this place. 127 00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:53,640 The water's practically up to the foundation. 128 00:05:54,070 --> 00:05:56,010 Yeah. It really is too bad, you know. 129 00:05:56,010 --> 00:05:58,370 A lot of great childhood memories wrapped up in this place. 130 00:05:58,370 --> 00:06:00,240 Yeah, I'll say. Remember the day we moved in? 131 00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:02,750 How happy we were to live in a real house? 132 00:06:02,750 --> 00:06:05,380 Brian, Joe, come in here. 133 00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:07,920 Don't you wanna see your lovely new home? 134 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,890 Why do we have to move here anyway? 135 00:06:09,890 --> 00:06:11,450 The old apartment was fun. 136 00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:14,060 Yeah, that's where all our friends are. 137 00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:16,890 Ah, we really loved this place. 138 00:06:16,890 --> 00:06:18,460 Dumb house. 139 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,260 Hey, we had a great room, remember? 140 00:06:21,260 --> 00:06:23,930 Well, wait'll you boys see your bedroom. 141 00:06:23,930 --> 00:06:26,000 Why can't we each have a room? 142 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,940 Because that other room is for when your Aunt Sarah comes to visit. 143 00:06:29,940 --> 00:06:32,010 I remember you always had relatives here. 144 00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:33,510 Oh, I envied that. 145 00:06:33,510 --> 00:06:34,580 I hate Aunt Sarah. 146 00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:36,580 She smells like Play-Doh. 147 00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:39,380 Here's the best part, boys. 148 00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:41,380 The ocean's in walking distance. 149 00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:42,890 (LAUGHING) Pretty neat, eh, Joey? 150 00:06:42,890 --> 00:06:44,320 I'll say. 151 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,820 Close enough for convenience, yet far enough for safety. 152 00:06:46,820 --> 00:06:50,330 Remind me someday to tell you what childhood was like. 153 00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:56,770 You know, I remember seeing you all over here that first day, 154 00:06:56,770 --> 00:07:00,640 but, you know, I thought it was undignified for a girl to approach two boys. 155 00:07:01,970 --> 00:07:04,510 Hi, I'm Helen Chapel. Wanna wrestle? 156 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,550 Yeah, as I recall I was goin' through kind of a bashful stage. 157 00:07:09,550 --> 00:07:10,280 Yeah. 158 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,850 Boy, are you fat! 159 00:07:14,180 --> 00:07:16,690 How'd you like to lose your looks, pretty boy? 160 00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:20,120 I was pretty shy myself. 161 00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:23,660 Come on, boys, let's let the movers get started, okay? 162 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,230 Yeah, this is where it all began. 163 00:07:25,730 --> 00:07:27,700 The beginning of a life-long friendship. Hmm. 164 00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:29,670 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 165 00:07:32,170 --> 00:07:35,710 Hmm. Man, I'm real sorry to see this place torn down. 166 00:07:35,710 --> 00:07:37,210 You know, I feel the same way. 167 00:07:37,210 --> 00:07:38,970 Yeah, me, too. 168 00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:41,540 Brian, you know, this house sits on a pretty big lot. 169 00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:45,980 Maybe, uh, if we could find some way to get it moved back, we could save it. 170 00:07:46,350 --> 00:07:48,420 What for? We already have a house. 171 00:07:48,420 --> 00:07:50,920 I don't know. It's just... It seems like someone ought to live here. 172 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,420 I mean, it's a great place for kids to grow up. 173 00:07:52,420 --> 00:07:54,820 Well, fine. They're gonna tear it down tomorrow. 174 00:07:54,820 --> 00:07:58,490 Hey, you know what? Fay's a member of the Historical Society. 175 00:07:58,490 --> 00:08:02,570 Uh, uh, maybe she could, you know, find some angle and buy us some time. 176 00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:03,630 You know what? 177 00:08:03,630 --> 00:08:05,230 It's worth a shot. 178 00:08:05,230 --> 00:08:07,070 You know what else? 179 00:08:14,810 --> 00:08:16,080 We better hurry. 180 00:08:27,390 --> 00:08:30,290 Listen, Lowell, I hope you didn't have any, you know, ill effects 181 00:08:30,290 --> 00:08:31,790 from what you ate here the other day. 182 00:08:31,790 --> 00:08:34,700 No, can't say as I did, Helen. 183 00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,770 Pretty much followed my usual routine. 184 00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:41,270 Watched a little TV, took off my shoes, threw up, went to bed. 185 00:08:43,540 --> 00:08:46,040 Wait a minute. That's your usual routine? 186 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:47,980 Throw up and then go to bed? 187 00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:51,550 Yes, I've found that to be far and away the best sequence. 188 00:08:55,420 --> 00:08:56,990 Oh, hey, Brian, here she is. 189 00:08:56,990 --> 00:08:58,990 Hey, Fay, Fay. Fay, Fay. 190 00:08:58,990 --> 00:09:02,490 Fay, did you ask the Historical Society about, uh, saving our old house? 191 00:09:02,490 --> 00:09:04,890 Well, we've been researching it, but so far there's just no reason 192 00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:06,400 to declare it a landmark. 193 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:07,960 Damn. 194 00:09:08,430 --> 00:09:09,900 Oh, hey, Roy, did you have any luck tryin' to convince 195 00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,400 the Town Council to save our old house? 196 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,200 Sorry, guys. Sorry. 197 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,700 As much as I pleaded with the other Council members, 198 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:16,510 the vote came out three to two against you. 199 00:09:16,510 --> 00:09:17,740 (HELEN AND JOE GROANING) 200 00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:19,310 Well, thanks for trying, Roy. 201 00:09:19,310 --> 00:09:20,610 Oh, don't thank me. 202 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:22,910 Thank the two chumps who voted for you. 203 00:09:24,410 --> 00:09:26,420 By tomorrow morning, the wrecking crew is gonna 204 00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:28,820 turn that place into toothpicks. 205 00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:32,590 Thanks for your sympathy, Roy. Why don't you just go over and dynamite the place? 206 00:09:32,590 --> 00:09:35,160 Well, Roy likes to save his dynamite for fishing. 207 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,360 Thanks. 208 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,860 You know, back in Italy in my village, when a house is about to be destroyed, 209 00:09:41,860 --> 00:09:45,300 the family goes back one last time to say goodbye. 210 00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:49,970 It's like bidding a fond farewell to a beloved family member. 211 00:09:49,970 --> 00:09:52,540 Maybe to you it would seem stupid. 212 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,540 No, it sounds-- sounds nice.No. 213 00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:56,050 We ought to do that. 214 00:09:56,050 --> 00:09:58,280 Did I mention that in the tradition, uh, 215 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:00,850 you must make the journey only by cab? 216 00:10:03,650 --> 00:10:06,220 Did I mention that the storm is killing my business? 217 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,290 I guess I did. 218 00:10:11,290 --> 00:10:13,760 You know, actually, that could be a cool thing. 219 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,700 Yeah, I think we ought to do it. 220 00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,200 We ought to go over and give the old gal a real send-off. 221 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,600 I'll even pick up a bottle of champagne. All right, sounds good. 222 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:19,970 Oh, that's romantic. 223 00:10:19,970 --> 00:10:21,470 It reminds me of a story I read, 224 00:10:21,470 --> 00:10:24,510 where these two doomed lovers are marooned on a coral reef, 225 00:10:24,510 --> 00:10:27,580 and they drink champagne, and shower kisses on each other, 226 00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:31,580 vowing to take their passion with them, while the violent sea 227 00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:36,090 rises steadily around them, threatening to sweep them into a watery grave. 228 00:10:38,090 --> 00:10:39,590 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 229 00:10:39,590 --> 00:10:41,220 Just get a six-pack. 230 00:10:51,170 --> 00:10:53,170 Remember how mad Brian used to get when we played hide-and-seek? 231 00:10:53,170 --> 00:10:55,170 Oh, yeah. 232 00:10:55,170 --> 00:10:56,670 He'd hide in the closet and we'd go over to your house and watch TV. 233 00:10:58,340 --> 00:10:59,340 You did that? HELEN: Mmm-hmm. 234 00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:01,340 I just thought I was really good. 235 00:11:03,650 --> 00:11:06,150 I'm really glad you came along, Helen. 236 00:11:06,150 --> 00:11:11,250 Hey, it's been really nice spending a quiet moment with two very dear friends. 237 00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:13,820 I heard somethin' about free beer? 238 00:11:15,620 --> 00:11:16,930 And Lowell. 239 00:11:17,130 --> 00:11:19,700 Ooh, bottles and cans. Party! 240 00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:22,460 Oh, wow! 241 00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:24,470 Look, that scratch on the ceiling is still there. 242 00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:27,540 Oh, yeah, yeah, because every year our dad would buy a tree 243 00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:28,570 that was too tall. 244 00:11:28,570 --> 00:11:32,510 That little angel on top of the tree was developing a hunchback. 245 00:11:32,510 --> 00:11:35,410 Hey, hey, do you remember that winter we got our sleds? 246 00:11:35,410 --> 00:11:37,980 Oh, yeah! We spent the whole day goin' up and down Suicide Hill. 247 00:11:37,980 --> 00:11:39,250 BRIAN: Suicide Hill. 248 00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:41,020 Ah, never forget that day. 249 00:11:41,020 --> 00:11:44,690 Yeah, they just can't take childhood memories like those away from you. 250 00:11:44,690 --> 00:11:49,130 Lowell, you weren't there. We didn't even know you then. 251 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,130 I guess they can take childhood memories like that away from you. 252 00:11:56,230 --> 00:11:57,270 (CLATTERING) 253 00:11:57,270 --> 00:11:58,270 What is that? 254 00:11:58,770 --> 00:11:59,770 Someone's upstairs! 255 00:11:59,770 --> 00:12:02,270 W-W-Wait--Wait, maybe it's a prowler. 256 00:12:02,270 --> 00:12:03,770 Hey, who's up there? 257 00:12:03,770 --> 00:12:05,810 ROY: It's me, Roy. 258 00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:08,380 Get down here, Roy. There's a prowler up there. 259 00:12:11,710 --> 00:12:12,980 Roy, what're you doin' here? 260 00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:15,550 I might ask you the exact same question. 261 00:12:15,550 --> 00:12:17,550 You know, this place is being torn down tomorrow. 262 00:12:18,050 --> 00:12:19,050 Well, look it here! 263 00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:21,420 He's looting all the fixtures. Ha! 264 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,290 I prefer the term "recycle". 265 00:12:24,290 --> 00:12:26,530 Besides, I'm just protecting the environment. 266 00:12:26,530 --> 00:12:27,900 Oh, give me a break, Roy. 267 00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:29,900 Hey, this dump could go into the ocean any minute, 268 00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:31,400 and a dolphin could choke on that. 269 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:36,710 Oh! Hey! 270 00:12:37,710 --> 00:12:38,710 Beer. Do you mind? 271 00:12:38,710 --> 00:12:41,210 Help yourself. Don't mind if I do. 272 00:12:47,380 --> 00:12:49,450 Got sent to your room again, huh? 273 00:12:50,490 --> 00:12:51,990 Our room. 274 00:12:51,990 --> 00:12:53,190 Brings back memories, doesn't it? 275 00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:54,760 (SHUDDERS) Yeah, I'll say. 276 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,030 Hmm, this is where it all began! 277 00:12:57,030 --> 00:12:59,100 Who'd have thought that from such humble beginnings 278 00:12:59,090 --> 00:13:03,600 two brothers would strike out into the world, and end up, well, 279 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,600 basically, striking out in the world? 280 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,270 (POUNDING) 281 00:13:07,270 --> 00:13:08,770 What're you doing? 282 00:13:08,770 --> 00:13:10,270 Looking for my secret compartment. Yeah... 283 00:13:10,270 --> 00:13:11,770 You had a secret compartment? 284 00:13:11,770 --> 00:13:13,580 You bet. Here it is. 285 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,550 What is it? Oh, yeah, they're still here! 286 00:13:17,550 --> 00:13:19,250 Here they are. 287 00:13:19,250 --> 00:13:21,180 Oh, get out of here! Playboys? 288 00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:24,750 You had Playboys in here during my impressionable childhood? 289 00:13:24,750 --> 00:13:27,190 And you hogged them? 290 00:13:27,190 --> 00:13:31,690 Ooh, wow, get a load of the top shelf on Miss September 1971. 291 00:13:31,690 --> 00:13:33,200 Crystal Smith. 292 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,970 You remembered that name for 20 years? 293 00:13:38,270 --> 00:13:42,840 Miss Smith, a 20-year-old graduate from Kansas State University, former Rockette, 294 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,340 Radio City Music Hall. 295 00:13:44,810 --> 00:13:48,340 And I'm a little foggy on this, Joe, but I believe her biggest turnoffs are 296 00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:51,350 guys who are rude and war. 297 00:13:53,650 --> 00:13:55,480 All right, okay, so you knew about these, huh? 298 00:13:55,780 --> 00:13:57,850 Oh, no, no, no, no. You bought your own. 299 00:13:57,850 --> 00:13:59,360 I just read Dad's. 300 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,360 What else you got in here, huh? No, no, nothing. 301 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:02,860 What else? I'd have had more... No, there's nothing else. 302 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:04,860 What is this? No, they're nothing. 303 00:14:04,860 --> 00:14:06,360 Come on, let's get goin' back downstairs. What is... 304 00:14:06,860 --> 00:14:08,360 Captain Kangaroo? 305 00:14:09,370 --> 00:14:10,570 Huh? 306 00:14:11,130 --> 00:14:12,300 These are the letters I wrote to Captain Kangaroo, 307 00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:14,100 that you were supposed to have mailed, Joe. 308 00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:15,670 I was just tryin' to keep you from makin' a fool out of yourself. 309 00:14:16,170 --> 00:14:19,070 You said some pretty... Some pretty dumb things in those letters. 310 00:14:19,070 --> 00:14:21,980 Man, I tell you, every morning, every morning I watched him, 311 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,480 and I--I waited and hoped 312 00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:26,480 that he would mention one of them on the air, 313 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,990 or maybe even share one of them with Mr. Green Jeans or Bunny Rabbit, 314 00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:30,990 and he never did. 315 00:14:30,990 --> 00:14:33,220 And now we know why, don't we, Joe? 316 00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:36,060 Man, and I feel like a total idiot. 317 00:14:36,060 --> 00:14:39,060 That time I bumped into him in New York City and flipped him off. 318 00:14:41,330 --> 00:14:42,830 Get over it, Brian. 319 00:14:42,830 --> 00:14:44,230 (BRIAN GROANING) 320 00:14:44,230 --> 00:14:47,300 And pretty soon I just became totally, totally disillusioned, 321 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:48,800 totally cynical. 322 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,310 My hero had let me down. 323 00:14:51,310 --> 00:14:54,310 And--And it was this betrayal that was the root 324 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,310 of all my attitude problems. 325 00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:59,820 You know, my inability to commit, every failure that I ever had. 326 00:14:59,820 --> 00:15:01,150 Oh yeah, right. 327 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,650 You washed out of the space program 328 00:15:02,650 --> 00:15:04,150 'cause I didn't mail your letters to Captain Kangaroo. 329 00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:08,560 I hope you're satisfied. 330 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:11,130 I was just tryin' to protect you. Yeah, you keep saying that. 331 00:15:11,130 --> 00:15:14,130 Yeah, you know, I was always tryin' to protect you, and you didn't even know it. 332 00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:16,130 Why do you think I drew that line down the middle of the room, huh? 333 00:15:16,130 --> 00:15:17,630 Yeah, I know why. I know why. 334 00:15:17,630 --> 00:15:19,140 So you could keep me on my side of the room, 335 00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:21,500 so I wouldn't play with your stupid model airplanes. 336 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,510 I wanted to keep you on that side of the room 337 00:15:23,510 --> 00:15:25,470 so that you wouldn't hear Mom and Dad fighting through this wall. 338 00:15:25,970 --> 00:15:26,980 Yeah, well, don't worry. 339 00:15:26,980 --> 00:15:29,480 I heard 'em fine right over here. 340 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,480 Until the end. 341 00:15:31,980 --> 00:15:34,980 I remember when Mom finally left, I used to sit over there in that window 342 00:15:34,980 --> 00:15:36,490 and watch for her, 343 00:15:36,950 --> 00:15:38,950 but I knew she wasn't coming back. 344 00:15:38,950 --> 00:15:40,490 (CRICKETS CHIRPING) 345 00:15:40,990 --> 00:15:42,490 Joe, what're you doing? 346 00:15:42,490 --> 00:15:44,260 Nothin'. 347 00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:46,530 You're waiting for Mom to come back, aren't you? 348 00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:50,300 No. Now go finish your homework, butthead. 349 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,730 She is coming back, isn't she? 350 00:15:52,130 --> 00:15:54,340 Didn't I tell you she was? 351 00:15:54,340 --> 00:15:56,840 Okay, if you believe it, I believe it. 352 00:15:59,310 --> 00:16:00,840 Yeah. 353 00:16:02,850 --> 00:16:06,250 I never really believed she was coming back either. 354 00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:11,750 Although, one night I saw someone walkin' in the hall wearin' her nightgown. 355 00:16:11,750 --> 00:16:13,790 I was so excited, 356 00:16:13,790 --> 00:16:15,360 till I realized it was Dad. 357 00:16:17,830 --> 00:16:19,830 Yeah, that was when we first started to realize 358 00:16:20,330 --> 00:16:23,400 that Dad wasn't playing with a full deck. 359 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:27,470 It wasn't too long after that, that they found him down at McDonald's Playland, 360 00:16:27,470 --> 00:16:31,110 fast asleep in the arms of Mayor McCheese. 361 00:16:31,110 --> 00:16:33,940 Sure are some great memories you're rakin' up here, bro. 362 00:16:33,940 --> 00:16:37,480 What, what are these great memories we're tryin' to hang on to anyway? 363 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,280 I mean, our parents fought all the time. 364 00:16:39,820 --> 00:16:41,450 Mom left us. Dad went nuts. 365 00:16:41,450 --> 00:16:43,020 This place sucks. 366 00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:45,020 Yeah, dumb house. 367 00:16:47,790 --> 00:16:49,860 Oh, that felt great. 368 00:16:56,970 --> 00:17:00,400 Oh, you're right! It did! This is great! 369 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,910 This is what we should have been doing the whole time! 370 00:17:02,910 --> 00:17:04,410 Oh, you're right! 371 00:17:04,910 --> 00:17:06,910 (JOE SCREAMING) 372 00:17:06,910 --> 00:17:10,910 Oh, man, this is... I've never felt so good in this house! Ever! 373 00:17:11,410 --> 00:17:13,420 Why should we let the wrecking ball have all the fun? 374 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,420 (GLASS BREAKING) 375 00:17:15,750 --> 00:17:17,550 Hey, hey, hey, hey, 376 00:17:17,550 --> 00:17:19,060 hold it, hold it, hold it. Oh, I was just gettin' into it. What're you...? 377 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:20,690 You're on my side of the room. 378 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,260 What's goin' on? 379 00:17:25,260 --> 00:17:27,260 We're demolishing our childhood home. 380 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,770 Well, hell, I'm gonna give you a hand. 381 00:17:30,770 --> 00:17:34,270 I've got a sledgehammer and a chain saw in my truck. 382 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:38,010 Neat. Playboy! 383 00:17:38,010 --> 00:17:42,580 Wow, beer, wanton destruction, naked women. 384 00:17:42,580 --> 00:17:45,080 Reminds me of my sister's sweet-sixteen party. 385 00:17:50,390 --> 00:17:51,890 All right, everybody. 386 00:17:51,890 --> 00:17:53,390 Grab a weapon and pick your spot. 387 00:17:53,390 --> 00:17:55,420 Yeah! 388 00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:57,460 (IMITATING HIS MOTHER'S VOICE) Are you boys playing ball in the living room? 389 00:17:57,460 --> 00:18:00,600 Well, no, Ma, I'm just playing a little game of golf. 390 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,500 (THUDDING) 391 00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:05,800 Oh, Joseph, are those your fingerprints on the window? 392 00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:09,300 Oh, don't worry, Dad, I'll get rid of them. 393 00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:13,140 You know, at my house, 394 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:17,280 we usually play "rock, paper, scissors" for the chain saw. 395 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,550 Any-Any-Anybody? 396 00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:22,180 Get it, Lowell. It's all yours, bro. 397 00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:23,720 (WHOOPS) All right. 398 00:18:24,450 --> 00:18:25,520 (GLASS SMASHING) 399 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,620 HELEN: Oh, I can't believe you're doing this. 400 00:18:28,620 --> 00:18:32,700 Can't men ever work out their emotions without smashing and breaking things? 401 00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:34,200 Oh, lighten up, lady. 402 00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:37,500 Have a little fun for once in your life. Go on. 403 00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,000 (CHAIN SAW BUZZING) 404 00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:47,340 You're right. That is fun. 405 00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:50,850 Damn it, Helen, not all that stuff came from this house. 406 00:18:58,950 --> 00:19:00,520 (CRASHING) 407 00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:05,430 Oh, oh, I've had enough. 408 00:19:05,430 --> 00:19:06,400 You had enough? 409 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:07,960 Yeah, I've had enough. 410 00:19:08,460 --> 00:19:09,460 ROY: Me, too. 411 00:19:09,460 --> 00:19:11,970 (EXHALING) Boy, we beat this place up pretty good, didn't we? 412 00:19:11,970 --> 00:19:14,470 (EXCLAIMS) 413 00:19:14,470 --> 00:19:16,470 Well, I destroyed the kitchen. 414 00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:21,580 And I dedicate the victory to all the little chubby girls everywhere. 415 00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:24,080 Well, let's call it a night. Where's Lowell? 416 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,680 He's, uh, upstairs, still workin'. 417 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,250 (CHAIN SAW BUZZING) 418 00:19:34,860 --> 00:19:38,890 Remember those cartoons where the character saws a hole in the floor 419 00:19:38,890 --> 00:19:40,400 around himself? 420 00:19:42,230 --> 00:19:45,230 Even Lowell wouldn't be dumb enough to stand in the middle of it. 421 00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:46,740 Yeah. 422 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,440 Oh, no. 423 00:19:59,180 --> 00:20:01,680 Hey, what're you guys doin' up here? 424 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,720 Great news, boys... 425 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,230 What in the world? 426 00:20:10,230 --> 00:20:12,730 Oh, we're just, uh, gettin' a little head start on the demolition. 427 00:20:13,230 --> 00:20:14,100 Yeah. 428 00:20:14,100 --> 00:20:15,460 Oh, well, we've got a problem. 429 00:20:15,460 --> 00:20:18,970 The Historical Society voted to preserve this house. 430 00:20:18,970 --> 00:20:20,400 (GASPING) 431 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,840 What? Well, it's-- it's a little late. 432 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,670 What made them change their minds? 433 00:20:24,670 --> 00:20:27,740 Well, it--it turns out that Herman Melville once rented a room here. 434 00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:32,010 Who knows? He could have been working on Moby-Dick right up...there. 435 00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:35,820 Are you saying we just destroyed a landmark? 436 00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:38,320 What do you mean "we"? I was at the movies all night. 437 00:20:40,090 --> 00:20:42,090 I was home doing my hair. 438 00:20:42,090 --> 00:20:45,090 Might wanna consult a professional next time, Helen. 439 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:52,600 Joe, Brian, see you guys downstairs. 440 00:20:57,170 --> 00:20:58,170 (SIGHING) 441 00:20:58,170 --> 00:21:01,940 Well, Joey, ahem, take a last look around. 442 00:21:01,940 --> 00:21:04,110 Home, sweet home. 443 00:21:04,110 --> 00:21:06,050 Wanna know what the best part is? 444 00:21:06,620 --> 00:21:09,080 We never have to see this place again as long as we live. 445 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,490 MRS. HACKETT: Come on down, boys. 446 00:21:19,030 --> 00:21:21,030 LITTLE JOE: Boy, our new room is gonna be great. 447 00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:23,600 Yeah, this house is much better than the old apartment. 448 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,600 Mmm-hmm. 449 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,600 Well, here we are. 450 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,210 Our first dinner in our new home. 451 00:21:31,210 --> 00:21:34,210 Yeah, I've got a good feelin' about this place, boys. 452 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,340 Yeah. 453 00:21:36,340 --> 00:21:39,850 I think we're gonna be happy here for a long, long time.